Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Lord, you know what I need and want already. I'm willing to wait. I just need my eyes and hands focused in a clear direction. On an area of service. And I think the answer is obvious, Your church. That's where You're love is. Your name is glorified there. I just need specific ways to be of help and a heart that's dedicated and focused to putting You and the church first in my life.

Talked to Lou about character qualities I should be looking for in a guy. The thought process started when Jason dropped me off last Thursday from church. He said that he wanted a list of “must have’s” and “preferences” if you will. When I asked Lou what was most important she said, “someone who lets the other guy talk before he starts in.” I can think of the guys that I’ve been interested in so far… and I’m pretty sure none of them had that quality. She asked me what I thought, and the only thing I could think of was honesty. I know it kind of goes without saying, but after Friday, that’s all I could think about, honesty. I asked her what another good one would be and she said a lack of selfishness. Never heard it quite worded like that before. It’s a good way to word it I believe… because everyone is selfish. She asked me what I thought again, and I said someone who really cares… and she finished, about his neighbor. Good finish, and that’s as far as we got.

Tim McGraw’s “my best friend” is one of my favorite songs; used to think of Shannon when I heard it, or my Grandpa. Can’t wait until it reminds me of "him." Somehow I always feel connected to people… guys in general, or one specifically, even if I don’t actually like them, but a lot of times when I do, simply because there is no other one to connect with or imagine myself with. Maybe it’s a girl thing, I’m not sure. But I haven’t felt like “just me” in quite a while. Yesterday, lying on my bed, thinking about it. For the first time in over a year, I felt like just me. No connections. Anywhere.

Moving to Hawaii for a school semester is starting to become a serious option. Next spring is too soon I think. Next fall might be just about perfect. I miss the Clark's. I don’t know where I’m supposed to be or what I’m suppose to do. I feel like I should be hanging around my girls. I think I need to be more involved in their lives… why let the world shape them more than I get to? Plus, I just miss them like crazy. I’ll be glad to get out of here and start something new. I’ll miss Lou a lot… but I think it’s time for home.

It’s really foggy today, the roads are horribly icy. Yesterday, Wyatt rescued me from home and took me out to see a movie and eat Mexican food (upon my request) and severe persuasion that he did indeed miss me more than he enjoyed playing COD. Haha(: Caleb was helping (kind of, not really lol) me with some verses to memorize due to my “lost and wandering” state. Here’s a few that I picked.

2 Chronicles 7:14

If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

Anddd Psalm 119:169-176

Let my cry come near before thee, O LORD: give me understanding according to thy word.

Let my supplication come before thee: deliver me according to thy word.

My lips shall utter praise, when thou hast taught me thy statutes.

My tongue shall speak of thy word: for all thy commandments are righteousness.

Let thine hand help me; for I have chosen thy precepts.

I have longed for thy salvation, O LORD; and thy law is my delight.

Let my soul live, and it shall praise thee; and let thy judgments help me.

I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek thy servant; for I do not forget thy commandments.

Lastly! Psalm 37:23-34 (My favorite)

The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.

Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand.

Well. Still stuck inside due to the wet rain making roads super slick. It isn’t so bad being stuck in here. I’ll get back to my youtube ninja videos now. Hahah(:

OH, and P.S, one more thing. I'm always joking around about being "directionally challenged," well... Lord, I feel it now more than ever.


blondevue... said...

I think we can rewind two years and where you are at right now is where I was at then. It took months of praying, Lord What do I do? Where do I go? Do I STAY? Do I GO? I think part was a answer in my heart from God, and His word, and a large part was due to counsel. but your heart can be wrong, and sometimes verses don't seem to spell out EXACTLY what we need to be doing, just principles and...counsel can be wrong. So even as I left Alaska with a peace, every time God puts it in my life to go back there (be it for work or whatever it is) I pray and pray and seek His word again to make sure He doesn't want me to stay in Alaska. That he Does YES want me in Hawaii and where I am serving now. And He answers my questions for me.

But it isn't easy. It isn't like you can sit down and say a short prayer and always know exactly what God would have you to do. It takes time. And Lots and lots of prayers. Because really there is nothing worse than being Out of the center of Gods will. And that isn't a question based on the state, it is how AM I living in That State?

Your baby sisters - you are right, do need you. God used Foster in my life when I was 18, to not leave.

But this is less of a state question my girl, I know from our talks that its a matter of wanting to serve Him the best you can. So while you're there, throw yourself into His Church. Because that cannot be beat, :)

And if he opens a door for nursing school here in Hawaii for you, then come on down. :) Just know, that AS MUCH as I want YOU here I want Gods will for your life More. Whichever state that is.

Albeit- I do admit to looking on craigslist for a house to rent after I left you last time. I miss you girl! lol.

Lou has such knowledge - what a sweet lady.

Your verses, 2 Chron and Ps 34 made me cry. But we're not surprised are we? ;)

Love you girl. Stay strong. And I'm glad you felt like it was "just you" the other night. No guy deserves you yet ;) *Yes I did just revert to big sister And friend mode!* :D

Caleb said...

Well...seems to be that you got to blog this before I did. Well I wouldn't have said the same things, but general idea about direction in life and returning to God. Seems to me that you did quite a bit of thinking between our conversation and today. I'm definitely praying for you and God's will in your life.