On a scale of 1 to 10; it's an 8(:

Commitment takes on a whole new meaning when it’s for a cause tied to your own heart. It's when it's attached to who you are as a person that you can’t cut its connection to your soul.

Yesterday I was ready to rent an apartment. I was ready to call a halting stop to the idea of moving home. My mom is an amazing person, an extremely hard worker. Always has been and she’s too real to change. But yesterday I was really hit with constant reminder’s of how exactly opposite I am of my Dad, in almost every single way. I love my Dad and he is clever and wise about dealing with people and but our personalities could not be more different. His way of life is extremely different than the way I lead my own. On a scale of 1 to 10, out of all the difficult things I’ve done in my life, for me, dealing with him when I am home in a loving and respectful way is going to be a solid 8. I was ready to start considering some other serious options as opposed to moving back home. BUT, I have thought about this, and I have prayed about this. The answer of what I should do was clear. I needed to be home... I got to thinking I would just go home and visit the girls a lot next semester, instead of wrecking the good relationship I have with my Dad.
I was amazed at how I had gotten so, so angry and frustrated by the end of the day I couldn’t believe it. I went to church last night for evening services and the lesson was really good, on thankfulness; really good message. Then like most years, we one by one talked about what we were especially thankful for this year. When Deanna started listing what she was thankful for, her eyes filled up with tears and she could hardly speak for a minute. “I am so thankful for my sisters… for Emily,” she trembled. “And I’m so happy that she’s going to be moving back home again. She means a lot to me and it’ll be so good to have her back around.” Sitting directly behind her, I saw the tears as they ran down the front of her cheeks and didn't stop.

Pretty sure, pretty sure that ends all debate. All discussion. Any excuses. The Devil seems to want to get ahold of this situation and it scares me because I know he is out there, and he is real. And he desires to stir our hearts and desires to be the opposite of what God would have.
I’m scared of my example. There isn’t a day that I can be selfish in that home. There just isn’t room for it. There isn’t a day in which I need to put myself first, or a day where I can argue with my Dad and in doing so be disrespectful. For some reason I have it in my head that when I am right it is okay to prove it. And that’s not it. Even if I am right about a lot of things my Dad and I disagree on, it is not my responsibility or right to correct him. It reminds my of something my boss, grandpa, said to me last summer. “It’s not always necessary to prove to others you are right Emmie Kae, it’s only necessary to be right.”

So I am committed to making this work, no matter how hard or difficult it gets. It's where I need to be. For my God, first and foremost, and for my little sisters.
Prayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy for me please.
Still waiting to hear back on the different jobs I've applied for, so please keep those in your prayers as well. As my 2nd Mom told me today, "God is good. And as long as you rely on Him you will come out okay." He has always been really good to me. He always does provide. Just waiting and excited to see what He has planned for me next.

3AM

3. Three means completion. I'm pretty sure 7 means perfection. 40 represents sin and wandering. 21 is the legal American age to drink. at 16 you can start driving. I like numbers. and their meanings. I still tend to close my eyes and wish at 11:11, just because. 13 used to drive me crazy when I was younger. I was sure it was the worst number in the world. I've finally kind of gotten over that. It's proved to be lucky, or, at least not so bad a few times(:

I've been awake since 3, just couldn't seem to sleep even though I was really tired. I was too lazy to try to read. And too tired to be spiritually minded so I just laid there. Rolled... more less, flopped off the bed onto the floor with my huuuge blanket close to suffocating me.

Finally thought of some verses I liked. Got on my knees and started to pray. Why is it so hard to pray sometimes? It's like asking God why He even loves me? The reasoning is unfathomable. I prayed, and told God I don't know why I'm in the state I am, and He heard. He forgave me. God is always so good to me. Read the devotion too, it went right along the same lines. God always seems to work like that.

Matthew 7:7-11
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

The battle is always going to be there. No matter what we promise or strive to do, we are still "us." Human as they come. But we serve a God who like in the verses I had up earlier, Psalm 103, He REMEMBERS our frame... He remembers we are just dust.

⁸The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.

⁹He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger for ever.

¹⁰He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.

¹¹For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him.

¹²As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.

¹³Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him.

¹⁴For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.

IN THE MEANTIME... I will be here at Lou's working again for Joanna today. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving. I miss Brian and Michelle. It will be good to have them back and here in time for dinner. I want to hear all their stories. Hopefully the roads wont be toooooo scary... because either Brian or my Dad will be picking me up I'm sure. Thanksgiving without meeeeeeeee! ): That'd be horrible. Okay, maybe not the end of the world, but Aubree Dae would cry, and nobody wants that. (:

here's something.

Going through my emails today, and I found this one that I wrote to someone whilst discussing/arguing whether or not I could know God's will for my life.

"I wait, only to see what God does. I did choose. I sacrificed what I wanted for what He commands... because it came down to whether I trusted Him or not. If I really believe, He is in fact the God of the universe, that does love me, than I should be able to trust Him with my all. Doing what I want and crossing my fingers for Him to bless me for it, isn't how God works. Sometimes certain situations I can't understand and doesn't make sense to me and sometimes its hard to do what the bible says. I want to use my own ideas and my own logic, but in the end of every situation He knows. His wisdom far exceeds mine. He made me and knows me better than anyone else. He loves me more than you or anyone else does. He is the only one who will always be there for me, and has been since the day I first trusted Him 8 years ago. When there is no one I feel like I can trust anymore, I know I can trust Him because He is always faithful to me. When I didn't have the money for college, I prayed and He provided. I asked Him to help me when I was sick and he saved my life when the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong. I prayed for him to work on your heart, and He did. Because I am not just my own anymore, I became His, when I trusted Him with my life. Its all or nothing. I have to take the steps, but don't think for a minute He doesn't guide my feet."

"The steps of the good man are ordered by the LORD"

Psalm 103

¹Bless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.

²Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits:

³Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;

⁴Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;

⁵Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.

⁶The LORD executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed.

⁷He made known his ways unto Moses, his acts unto the children of Israel.

⁸The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.

⁹He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger for ever.

¹⁰He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.

¹¹For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him.

¹²As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.

¹³Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him.

¹⁴For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.

¹⁵As for man, his days are as grass: as a flower of the field, so he flourisheth.

¹⁶For the wind passeth over it, and it is gone; and the place thereof shall know it no more.

¹⁷But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him, and his righteousness unto children's children;

¹⁸To such as keep his covenant, and to those that remember his commandments to do them.

¹⁹The LORD hath prepared his throne in the heavens; and his kingdom ruleth over all.

²⁰Bless the LORD, ye his angels, that excel in strength, that do his commandments, hearkening unto the voice of his word.

²¹Bless ye the LORD, all ye his hosts; ye ministers of his, that do his pleasure.

²²Bless the LORD, all his works in all places of his dominion: bless the LORD, O my soul.

directions

Lord, you know what I need and want already. I'm willing to wait. I just need my eyes and hands focused in a clear direction. On an area of service. And I think the answer is obvious, Your church. That's where You're love is. Your name is glorified there. I just need specific ways to be of help and a heart that's dedicated and focused to putting You and the church first in my life.

Talked to Lou about character qualities I should be looking for in a guy. The thought process started when Jason dropped me off last Thursday from church. He said that he wanted a list of “must have’s” and “preferences” if you will. When I asked Lou what was most important she said, “someone who lets the other guy talk before he starts in.” I can think of the guys that I’ve been interested in so far… and I’m pretty sure none of them had that quality. She asked me what I thought, and the only thing I could think of was honesty. I know it kind of goes without saying, but after Friday, that’s all I could think about, honesty. I asked her what another good one would be and she said a lack of selfishness. Never heard it quite worded like that before. It’s a good way to word it I believe… because everyone is selfish. She asked me what I thought again, and I said someone who really cares… and she finished, about his neighbor. Good finish, and that’s as far as we got.

Tim McGraw’s “my best friend” is one of my favorite songs; used to think of Shannon when I heard it, or my Grandpa. Can’t wait until it reminds me of "him." Somehow I always feel connected to people… guys in general, or one specifically, even if I don’t actually like them, but a lot of times when I do, simply because there is no other one to connect with or imagine myself with. Maybe it’s a girl thing, I’m not sure. But I haven’t felt like “just me” in quite a while. Yesterday, lying on my bed, thinking about it. For the first time in over a year, I felt like just me. No connections. Anywhere.

Moving to Hawaii for a school semester is starting to become a serious option. Next spring is too soon I think. Next fall might be just about perfect. I miss the Clark's. I don’t know where I’m supposed to be or what I’m suppose to do. I feel like I should be hanging around my girls. I think I need to be more involved in their lives… why let the world shape them more than I get to? Plus, I just miss them like crazy. I’ll be glad to get out of here and start something new. I’ll miss Lou a lot… but I think it’s time for home.

It’s really foggy today, the roads are horribly icy. Yesterday, Wyatt rescued me from home and took me out to see a movie and eat Mexican food (upon my request) and severe persuasion that he did indeed miss me more than he enjoyed playing COD. Haha(: Caleb was helping (kind of, not really lol) me with some verses to memorize due to my “lost and wandering” state. Here’s a few that I picked.

2 Chronicles 7:14

If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

Anddd Psalm 119:169-176

Let my cry come near before thee, O LORD: give me understanding according to thy word.

Let my supplication come before thee: deliver me according to thy word.

My lips shall utter praise, when thou hast taught me thy statutes.

My tongue shall speak of thy word: for all thy commandments are righteousness.

Let thine hand help me; for I have chosen thy precepts.

I have longed for thy salvation, O LORD; and thy law is my delight.

Let my soul live, and it shall praise thee; and let thy judgments help me.

I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek thy servant; for I do not forget thy commandments.

Lastly! Psalm 37:23-34 (My favorite)

The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.

Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand.

Well. Still stuck inside due to the wet rain making roads super slick. It isn’t so bad being stuck in here. I’ll get back to my youtube ninja videos now. Hahah(:

OH, and P.S, one more thing. I'm always joking around about being "directionally challenged," well... Lord, I feel it now more than ever.